everyone hates Vents.

I should be feeling happy to be back home again. The house is ready to live in, I have a room again, a matress, a kitchen, a roof, wiggle room and my own time to do what I please.

however I still feel the same. this sensation of guilt, that I dont try hard enough, that I dont appear very genuine with what I say or do.

Two of the most important people I know are or have been upset and partly still feel forlorn because noone is stepping in to help. (but they have other fantastic friends who break their backs for them, And I'm blessed to know that they are not completely alone. I thank you, and I'm ashamed by myself and not at my meagerness to to say I envy you, being able to give your ALL. I have eternal respect for you.)

I want to be that person.

I wish I could be given more chances to be that person. I try and try to be around, Ive given up things I used to do in order to make time for my loved ones. In my heart there is only affection for them, but thats not very obvious, dear reader.
Because I'm just a little voice that can't do anything. theres nothing special from me, it's all worthless, deadpan, drabbles. I'm all talk no action. It kills me.

I hate myself for this.

I want to slaughter myself. I dont deserve the wonderfull friends I have .
or the chance to still have a place to sleep in.

I'm so gratefull, I'm so lucky. Were did karma that go wrong with me?

but what have I ever done to show just how much I cherish what I have?

I feel that I cannot do anything to help anyone. I cant comfort my friends when they NEED it, and I think they believe that it's because I dont care at all, that I'm completely oblivious to everything. I'm paranoid, I think to much. I am not. Please dont consider that. I BEG of you, please hear me.

I think about you so much it eats me inside. I'm not neglecting you, I dont mean to sound heavy or bitter or scare you. Not in the least, believe me. But I want to help you. I want. I siece the chaces but I dodnt have enough, I dont want to fuck up, or am not tryig hard enough.

I'm

not

good enough.

But I make the efforts I can regardless.

I REALLYcare for you. So very very much.

I love you.

This is no lie.
I just want you to know that.