I am I least favorite fucking person in the world I'm just a wad of relentless self loathing who avoids everyone and squirms as far fucking back into the corners back against the wall covering myself and making myself small and sinking and wanting to fade into particles and disappear

I am literally the worst person and nothing can ever change me unless I try but I don't because I'm a fucking coward and it's noones fault but my own and I need the motivation but I but up a huge wall and I am just such a motherfuck I hate everything about me and I'm always wishing death upon myself and constantly daydream of awful scenarios that lead to my death and I just want to be happy again and I dont

understand why

I cant be

I'm so energetic and content  one moment and then I just shatter and wonder why I even exist

I need to let this out here beucse noones been here in a whle and noone would see I dont want anyone to see

I hate it when people do this though THIS WHAT I AM DOING THIS HERE feeling hopeless and not coming outto someone because it's been said again and again that it helps, but its just that I dont know why I feel this way, my brain just does this to me, there's nothing that can be done about that, and if its a mental problem no amount of begging has urged my family to consider taking me for a doctors appointment or something because their all a bunch of nutjobs too and in this culture that I live in mental illnesses arent a thing

god fuck everything and my wishing to die that is just awful why do I even think those things when ugh just jesus christ I'm just dumb